


I've Got To Tell You What I Feel

by sonofapollo



Category: Dead Poets Society (1989)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Fix-it fic, Other, i NEEDED to write this just so i could cope, mr perry ends up being kinda nice, neil actually has a backbone, neil doesn't say "nothing" and sits back down when confronting his father, not that good but okay i guess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-20
Updated: 2016-05-20
Packaged: 2018-06-09 15:25:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,140
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6912796
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sonofapollo/pseuds/sonofapollo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Neil doesn't sit back down after standing up to his father. He doesn't mutter "Nothing" under his breath after being asked what it was that he felt. He actually replies.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I've Got To Tell You What I Feel

**Author's Note:**

> i really needed a fix-it fic for this part of the movie because neil didn't deserve to die. hope you guys enjoy! (i literally wrote this at 1AM so pls forgive me for anything and if it's a bit short hehe)

"I've got to tell you what I feel!" he yelled as he rose abruptly from his seat in the study, facing his furious father. "What! Tell me what you feel!" his father shouted back, and his mother stood from her seat, an expression of somewhat regret displayed on her aging face, and tried to intervene between the two men. This is what she wanted to avoid. 

Neil looked back at his father, his hands shaking at his sides, and gripping onto the crown of twigs, that he had worn for the play previously. His heart beat furiously in his ribcage, anxiety beginning to take over him, and his chest rose up and down quickly with his heavy breathing. He'd never stood up to his father before, let alone talk back to him or even look at him in the eye. He never dared to, because as his son, it was his duty to obey his every word and do as told. This was the time to speak, he'd already yelled at his own father after years of being quiet and calm, and playing the part of the dutiful son. "What is it?" his father pressed on, the veins of his forehead visible and his face red with anger. 

The teenage boy swallowed hard, looking back at his father, his silence seeming to anger him more. He had to say something, he had to. This was a now-or-never situation, and it could change something in the uncertain future that could have been a dreaded moment—a tragedy. Neil looked back at his mother, seeing the same regret and sadness over her face as earlier when he looked at her for some support, but instead stayed silent, leaving her own son to suffer his father's wrath. But he didn't blame her, it was her duty to obey him too. It still hurt him, though, it made him feel betrayed. 

"Is it more of this, this acting business? Because you can forget that." The strict and remorseless tone of his father's voice struck Neil. This was not his decision. It was no ones, but his own. His father didn't have the complete right to decide for him anymore, because he never knew what his own son wanted, he never knew what Neil truly felt, and he certainly never knew what his son had to suffer through all this. And he would have never known either, because he never bothered to ask. "What?" he asked softly this time, his anger subsiding slightly, but still evident in his dark eyes. Neil swallowed hard. "Nothing," is what Neil would have said. 

"I don't want to be a doctor," Neil stated fiercely, everything he had feared, and all of his anxiety leaving him. He was done acting for his father, he was done playing the part of the dutiful son. A part, an act, that never belonged to such a free-spirited soul. His brown eyes shown in the dim light of the study, Mr. Keating's words of praise and the praise of the uproarious crowd in the theatre resonating in his head. This is what he wanted to do all along, and he would never let anyone stop him from achieving what he wanted—his dreams. Not even his own father. "I want to be an actor. I want to entertain. I want to do what I truly love and what I truly want. I'm done trying to make you proud, more than I've already have. 

His words shocked Mr. Perry. His own son, the boy he'd helped make and raise, the boy who he had guided throughout his life, was talking back to him? He was disobeying him? This is not what he had taught Neil. "How dare you? I've given you everything. Your mother and I have done whatever possible to give you what you have now! And this is how you repay me?" he glared at Neil. 

Neil set his jaw and glared back, something his old self would have never done, but he was no longer his old self. He was no longer the Neil Perry his father had wanted. He was the Neil Perry he wanted to be, he was the actor, the free soul. "Repay you? This is what you signed up for when you decided to have me. This is your duty as a parent. I know that you've both done everything and anything for me to be privileged, I know that so well, but have you ever wondered what I would think? Have you ever wondered of what I would feel?" Neil's voice began cracking, a knot forming up in his throat. His eyes began to water, but he willed himself not to cry. Mr. Perry stared back at him, silent. 

"Have you ever thought that what you decide for me will be truly good for me? Have you never wondered that? I have been forced into things that I don't like and forced out of things that I like, and that had affected me so much, that you would've never known. Dad, I'm sorry but...I'm done trying to be the perfect son you've always wanted.

"I know that I have opportunities now that you've never had before when you were my age, but that doesn't mean that you have to obligate me to take them. I've finally realized what I truly want to do with my life, and you tried to take that away from me. And that hurt me. Acting is what I love, it's what I want. It's what I truly want to do. I know we don't have much money either, but...doesn't my happiness matter more than money? We have enough to survive..."

Neil's parents stared back at him in shock, staying silent, trying to process their son's words. Neil swallowed hard, clenching his fists, gripping tightly onto the crown. His heart still beat rapidly in his chest, as he tried to assess what he'd just done. He'd stood up to his parents. He's finally said what he's truly felt all along. And it felt great. "Neil..." his father started, opening his mouth and closing it several times trying to get the correct words out. "I'm sorry, dad. I just—" 

"I never thought of it that way, Neil," Mr. Perry cut him off. "I...I'm sorry for the way I've treated you, Neil. I've never meant for you to...feel that way. For you to feel bad and...hurt. I've always—I've just always wanted the best for you," he said quietly, the look of anger in his eyes being replaced with one of remorse. A small smile made it's way to Neil's face and he embraced his father, who hugged him back quickly. "It's okay, dad...I just hope you understand now," he muttered into his shoulder. Mr. Perry nodded. "I do..."


End file.
